On a recent flight from Austin, I was sitting across from a young man, I would guess about thirteen years old. It appeared he was sitting between his grandparents as they were at least 50 years older than him. During the two-hour flight, I overheard the young man apologize at least ten times. It was as if he moved and apologized for moving, he was asked to stand so the woman could go the restroom, he immediately said, “Yes, I’m sorry.” He coughed and apologized. This went on for the entire flight. This encounter
made me reflect on why many of us tend to over-apologize.
Of course, the empowerment coach in me wanted to have a conversation with him!
The Habit of Over-Apologizing
Why do we over-apologize? One of the most obvious reasons is that many of us will do anything to avoid conflict. It is just easier to apologize and move on. Or is it? Women tend to apologize more than men, perhaps it is societal expectations and that women generally tend to be more empathetic and attuned to others’ feelings.
Reality is, it is disempowering to say, “I’m sorry,” when inappropriate, it lowers confidence and as you have heard me say many times, “what you feed grows.” The more we disempower ourselves by over-apologizing, the more we do it because we are creating a pattern and begin running a program that becomes a knee-jerk reaction.
Over apologizing also dilutes the genuine apologies as well. As a professional, it will make you appear less confident and lose creditability. We work so hard to create a credible, ecological business reputation, we definitely do not want to lose that credibility.
Nice vs. Kind
In addition, I was sitting in a training recently and a friend and I got into a discussion about the difference between nice vs kind. Whenever I am addressed as being “nice,” I feel triggered. That’s what we were talking about while on a break. I became curious about the trigger. So, in my typical style, I went down a rabbit hole and found it very interesting. Turns out, my intuition was right about being triggered; there is a substantial difference between “nice” and “kind.”
My working definition of nice means seeking approval, avoiding conflict, and putting others’ comfort above one’s own needs. Niceness often seeks external validation. We look to others to acknowledge us in some way so we know we are a valued part of the interaction.
Kind emphasizes compassion with strength, honesty, and boundaries. Kindness is rooted in respect for self as well as others. We valued our opinions and beliefs and can express them in a way that is received with respect.
In transparency, I understand why, in the past, I have been labeled as nice. The people pleaser in me seemed to seek the approval of others, I would agree with a statement to avoid conflict, and an underlying message from my past was “service above self.” To me, I represented that as kind of a martyr; suffer so as others do not have to. It pains me to write this as I am very clear as to the truth of it. This is what initiated the conversation with Naomi a couple of years ago.
I would then follow up the niceness with apologizing for something or someone that was not mine to apologize. In my mind, I would think, “As long as they do not have to feel like I do, I can handle the disempowerment, I am tough, I will get over it.”
One of the awarenesses I had, subtle as it was, when a coach called me on apologizing on my phone message. “I’m sorry to miss your call, please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as possible.”
She asked, “What is the purpose of you apologizing for working, building your business, or being present to your family?”
“Hmmm. I never looked at it that way.” I replied. I didn’t spend quite a bit of time reflecting on it. I also changed my message on my phone immediately.
When it comes to being labeled ‘kind’ I have fallen short in the honesty and boundaries department. Strength, absolutely! I am a strong woman emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When it comes to honesty, again in transparency, I would have avoided being honest with my feelings or thoughts so as not to hurt another person’s feelings. This has caused massive incongruence in my heart and mind. I would say what I thought others wanted to hear, mistaking it for kindness.
Building Boundaries with Kindness
I was talking to a client last week about setting boundaries. Boundaries and not something that we talked about in our families as kids. We talked about rules, following the rules, and the consequences of not following the rules. (I feel another blog coming on: rules vs. boundaries.) It is only recently I began truly enforcing boundaries and it feels good to know I am using my voice, with kindness of course, and honoring my personal commitment as well as my commitment to myself as a business owner and performance coach. Like every new skill, it takes courage and practice to put boundaries around relationships, clients, and even family. I am making great progress. And I am not apologizing for it!
There is a part of me thinking I might be unleashing the beast inside by going public with my new-found understanding of nice vs. kind! I find it extremely empowering to embrace this knowledge and understand it is a skill I get to embrace and shift my mindset around. I have made the choice to release the habit being the “nice girl.”
Practical Steps to Embrace Kindness and Confidence
Shifting from nice to kind is a careful navigation. I have some ninja communication skills that we use in NLP training available to me. In addition, replacing “I’m sorry” with phrases like “Thank you for your patience,” or “I appreciate your understanding,” are good shifts to begin your ‘path to kindness and release the nice girl’ journey.
Setting boundaries with kindness using polite communication that does not include unnecessary apologizing and being assertive with your delivery will respect both parties and gain you the respect you deserve.
Some additional steps to reduce over-apologizing include being self-aware and pause before you respond. There is a lot of power in the pause! Only apologize when truly needed. What could happen if you led with, “Let’s find a solution,” or “Thank you for waiting” instead of defaulting to apologizing?
By choosing kindness over niceness, we empower ourselves and build authentic, respectful relationships. How might embracing kindness over niceness change your interactions?
Always forward,
Derlene
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