Recently I read a book, Falling Into Grace, and it has made a deep impact on the way that I have previously looked at my personal suffering. There are three different ways the author, Adayshanti, identifies ways in which we bring suffering to ourselves: the illusion of control, demanding things be different, and wanting what was or wasn’t. I must have read it five times; it hit me like a bullseye.
I took stock of those areas in my business and life in which I wanted control over something or someone so that I could “have it my way.” I always want the very best for others; it truly is my passion for my work. Many times, when I meet people who say they want different because they are tired of the same cycle in either their business or life and we talk about how that could be different for them and then they decide to not invest either their time or treasure in their self, it used to make me sad for them. I would even hold myself accountable because I didn’t use the right words to help them see that there is a different perspective or choice possible. I realize now that I was causing personal suffering and that I cannot control their choice for lack of action. And I can respect that we are where we are at that very moment in time.
When we demand things be different, we are again, causing personal suffering. Yesterday I was talking to a potential client, and he was sharing how he wanted his kids to act a certain way so as to avoid the same mistakes he had made. I explained that when we demand kids make the choices we want for them, they are only going to push back even more. It is their nature and our thorn in our side. So the cycle continues; they do what they want and we cause ourselves personal suffering. There are ways to approach the conversation where it is a win/win, that’s a different blog.
The third, wanting was or wasn’t is a huge source of suffering for many people. We want our childhood trauma to not have happened, the people we trusted to show up as trustworthy, that teacher to have been kinder, the death of a loved one to not have happened. I realize these are harsh examples and yet, that is where I find so many people suffering. We cannot change the past and yet many people continue to insist it should have been better, different, more loving, etc.
What do we have control over? This very moment right now. That’s it; nothing else.
This past weekend, I was out shopping and the woman standing next to me in the shoe department was complaining that there were never shoes on the sale rack in her size, and geez, you cannot even find the shoe sizes on the shoe anymore, etc. I am sure you get the picture.
I walked over to her and pointed out that the size was on the inside of the tongue of the shoe. She didn’t say anything other than to continue to complain. I moved on to the clothing section and sure enough, she was there. This time, she was complaining much louder about how she would never by these clothes, what’s wrong with this place, the price is too high; again, you get the picture.
I looked up to gather my thoughts and a lady was standing across from me. We met eye to eye, and I knew she was on the same thought process as I was. We got to talking about how unhappy this lady was. I was tempted to go over and express my, “sorry for your crummy life,” thoughts and found that I would not be delivering it in love so best to keep my mouth shut.
I would love to have hugged her; told her everything could be better in her life if only she made a few adjustments. I feel confident she would not have been receptive. It was never about the shoe. The shoe was a convenient target for her to continue suffering via the illusion of control, demanding things to be different, or wanting what was or was not. Perhaps a combination of them all.
I walked away curious as to which kind of suffering she was choosing. One or a combination of all three? Based on my experience, both personally and professionally, I would say a combination of all three.
I was again reminded of one of my deepest truths; choice is a powerful and suffering is always optional. The question becomes, “do I want to make a different choice?” Perhaps this is a great opportunity for you to take a little personal inventory: where are you choosing to suffer, and do you realize you are causing the pain and suffering? I hope this sparked curiosity in you because when you are curious, great healing occurs.
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